Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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