Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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