I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
