she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
