When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
