if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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