im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I met the friendliest cop last night
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
