The police scanner is talking about you again....
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
