I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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