Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
