You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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