Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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