I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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