i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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