i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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