She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
