his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
