I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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