toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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