she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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