Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
