im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
