Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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