somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Oh god it's open bar.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
