I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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