highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
