Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
