Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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