Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
