I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
