are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
