Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
