last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
