So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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