I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
