There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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