i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize