WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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