I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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