The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
