is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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