I faked an abortion last night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
