summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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