if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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