This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
