I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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