Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
