At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
