You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
