Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
