I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
