Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
