I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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