Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
