a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
In America we eat man semen.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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