feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
