Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We left an ass print on the piano.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This baby is an asshole
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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