sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i barfeds in our rink
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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