I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
