I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
