I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize