i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
