i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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