My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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