I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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