My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
