Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
