my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
