The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
