I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my shit smells like andre
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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